Many years ago on the Armed Forces radio network in Europe, the programming director sent a note to his assistant to do some special programming for Veteran's Day, so the staff could take the day off.
Half way through Veteran's Day the program director turned on the radio to see how things sounded, but was horrified to hear graphic talk on Venereal Disease!
It turns out the note he gave to his assistant told him to do "V.D. Programming."
....and I tell you no lies. Or something like that.
Anyway I was returning from a lunch break when my ex girlfriend, who recently dyed her hair jet black, asked me what I thought of it.
So I told her:
"It covers up the gray hair."
:P
A Washington DC newspaper columnist runs a column each
summer listing interesting WOMEN'S T-shirts observed at
an Ocean City, Maryland beach.
1. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN. 2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE. 3. I'M STILL HOT... IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES. 4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT. 5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED. 6. LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT. 7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX. 8. ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILOR PROBLEM. 9. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD... ARE YOU BAD? 10. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT! 11. BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR. 12. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE. 13. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS. 14. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE. 15. KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK. 16. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC. 17. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED. 18. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE. 19. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE", I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE. 20. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE. 21. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.+ 22. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH. -------------------------------------
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
We received a whole truckload of pumpkins yesterday. They line the front end of the store.
Something I have never seen before, there are artificial carving pumpkins now.
Continue only if you dare:
What is the ultimate rejection?
Having your hand fall asleep while masturbating.
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married
again and
had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried
and this
time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked
the
Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally
together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think
he
means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
I saw this on a truck today. I would get it, but I have a 13 year old:
"Practice Safe Sex. Go Fuck Yourself."
Three guys in a San Fransisco bar are arguing about who is "well endowed."
They agree to end this discussion once and for all....
So they go to the Golden Gate Bridge, unzip their flies and let it all hang out.
The first man stands proud, and says "See? I am am half way to the water."
The second man says "Damn, this water is cold."
The third man says "Yeah, it's deep too!"
Sent to me from a friend in Iowa.
If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed - always remember YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions.
This was sent to me by a friend and I had to post it here:
Newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she
was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven
and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING
BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT
YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU
ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!
GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
This is my 200th post :)
My personal pet peeve is misspelling, so I am mortified to look and see a post I made days ago with an obvious misspelling- ARRRGH !
Is anybody watching this, or even aware of the Olympics?
Does anybody even give a shit about it?
I am somewhat underwhelmed by it.
Did you hear about the Polish Gold Medalist?
He was so proud of it, he went out and had it bronzed.
I have been awake for 21 hours, no special reason. Just now I heard a strange noise behind me. I turned around to see what it was....
....it was my ass dragging on the ground.
This supposedly happened, but whether or not it did, it is funny.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hillary Clinton are at a party....
....supposedly Hillary goes up to Arnold ( who was drinking something ) and tells him "If you were my husband, I would poison that drink." Supposedly he responded by saying "If you were my wife, I would drink it."
Here I am, minding my own business at the gym this morning....
I just came off the treadmill, and am doing some lat pulldowns. There are two women nearby working out together.
I think nothing of it, because I tend to be focused at the gym.
I finish what I am doing, and am looking at my clipboard to see what I need to do next.
One of these women is wearing a very snug, thin, pair of black biker type shorts.
Her friend was having trouble doing leg raise ab crunches, so she bent down to lift her friend's legs.
Well- her butt was facing me- and I saw it all....
Do people like that ever realize what they are doing ? LOL.
Sounds shitty to me- lol.
How do you tell a doctor what happened?
I lit a match and blew my ass off ?
These are things that have actually happened on live TV.
Football game:
He's intercepted the football at the 30 yard line!! To the 40, the 50, the 40.... LOOK AT THAT SUNOFABITCH RUN!!
Basketball game:
He's got the ball, he's going to make the shot ! HE SHITS AND HOOTS!
Baseball game, live mike on the coach:
"Shit! Sonofabitch fouled it off the ground."
Religious Service, the priest reaching into his pocket as he says this:
Let us look in the Second Book of Glasses as I take my peter out.
Weatherman:
Let's take a leak outside to see how cold it is outside our studios.
Sportscaster at a baseball game:
I am looking at what must be a newlywed couple, it seems he kisses her on the strikes, and she kisses him on the balls.
In case you haven't heard, VP Cheney told Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy to go "F*** Yourself." At least he's not denying it.
Vice President Cheney today acknowledged that he had a bitter exchange on the Senate floor with a senior Democratic senator, in which Cheney uttered a big-time obscenity, but said he had no regrets and that he "felt better after I had done it."
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A6025-2004Jun25.html
I have seen a number of risque T-shirts lately, so I thought I would post a few I remember.
(Some are gross, and not funny, but I will list them here. So-reader beware)
Snatch- the best stuff on earth (written to look like a Snapple ad )
It's better to be injected than blown.
Need Head
If at first you don't succeed, suck harder.
No, you can't take it with you, but I will let you hold it for a while.
Goddammit Charlie Brown, I told you if you pull it out I won't sink!(Lucy is yelling at him)
I see dumb people.
Your proctologist called. They found your head.
Tell your boobs to quit looking at my eyes.
Silly Faggot, Dicks are for chicks!
Yes I am.
Bend over, I'll drive.
Don't ask me 4 shit.
Elvis shot JFK
Is that your face, or did your neck throw up ?
Did you fart?
Who Farted ?
Smile and the world smiles with you, fart and you stand alone.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Save the whales. Harpoon a fat chick.
Save the planet, commit suicide.
If I throw you a bone, will you go away?
Psychotic State University
Bullshit
I miss my ex, but my aim is getting better.
I have relatives that live in the Las Vegas metro area, and this was sent to me describing the wonderful heat they have:
You Know You Are In Southern Nevada When:
~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.
~ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
~ Hot water now comes out of both taps.
~ You can make sun tea instantly.
~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
~ The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
~ You discover that in July it only takes only 2 fingers to steer your car.
~ You discover you can get sunburned through your car window.
~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
~ The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
~ The cows are giving evaporated milk.
(And it's a true story...)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at
a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband
in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her
room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat." she told her husband and carried
the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating
figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob
me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice
gentlemen, but racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and
ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but, gosh, they had to know
what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator
was all too obvious now.
Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort
of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the
other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors
as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another.
Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God,
she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted.
Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."
Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew
upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A
shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if
you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The
one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying
mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to
help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one,
"I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean
for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was
obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too
humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed
her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for
behaving as though they were going to rob you?
She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn
quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor
they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady
on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as
they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled
herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:
"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
This was fun to post
Day 1
Wake up, realize I am off for 3 days and smile, watch some covereage on the passing of President Reagan, air conditioner pump fails dammit, go to parent's house to cool off and house sit during their trip, watch more TV coverage of the passing of Reagan, come back home for a time, then go to store, return to parents house; then I go to pick up some prescriptions come back, becomes windy, try to take flag down, twist ankle, go to hospital, wait wait wait wait- somebody comes in to ER looking worse than me- wait wait wait some more- somebody else comes in looking bad- wait wait wait again dammit- jiminy christmas- 2 1/2 hours later I am called in, wait, now X ray, no breaks, just a sprain- hurts like a sonuvabitch- get chill pills that turn me into Beavis & Butthead, realize that I am off for a few more days more than planned- try to use crutches- look stupid.
Day 2
Fitful sleep, wake up, need to pee, hobble into bathroom, then back to bed, wake up a few hours later with the same problem, do the same thing;
Wake up at normal time, get taken to my employer to show what's happened to me, drive around on motorized shopping cart- feel stupid.
Go home, get ready for ride to appointment, learn my daughter has a cavity, return home, see cop peeing off the road- oh joy- try to go online and post- internet slow and lethargic- sombitch pissing me off- dammit dammit dammit- frigging piece of amphibian shit- give it up for the day- hobble to bed- notice my good foot is developing a callous- what's next ?
A man goes to a doctor complaining about a pain in his ass....
The doctor diagnoses inflamed hemmorhoids and hands him
Preparation H and tells him "Take these and see me in a week for a follow up."
A week later the patient returns, looking miserable.
The Dr. asks "Do you feel any better?"
The patient says "No- and for all these damn suppositories were worth, I might as well have shoved them up my ass!"
A cowboy rides into a town in the wild west....
....he rides up to the front of a saloon. The bartender is watching the stranger with suspicion. The mysterious cowboy gets off his horse, walks around to the back, lifts up the horse's tail, and kisses it's asshole, then strolls inside.
He orders a drink from the shocked bartender, who promptly gives it to him.
After a few minutes, the bartender could no longer stand it and blurts out:
"Umm- why did you kiss your horse on the asshole?"
Cowboy: "Because I have chapped lips."
Bartender: "What good does that do?"
Cowboy: "Keeps me from licking them."
Have you ever noticed that when you run the words "The IRS" together it spells "Theirs" ?
These two jokes are probably the dumbest I have heard in a long time....
A redhead, brunette and a blonde are sitting in an OB GYN clinic talking amongst themselves. The redhead asks the brunette "Do you know what sex your baby is?"
The brunette says "I was on top when the baby was conceived, so it's going to be a boy."
The redhead says "I was on the bottom, so I am having a girl."
The blonde falls out of her chair and cries hysterically.....
Then she says "Oh My God- I'm going to have puppies!"
-----------------------------------
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says:
"I'm sorry- we don't serve food."
I know I have been a downer lately, so I thought I would post this email I received..... I think it's funny :)
Some I agree with, others I don't- but it makes me think ;) Since brain usage is down among most people, I think thought provoking subjects are a good thing.
-Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said,
Implants?" She hit me.
-I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
-I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
-I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
-I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!
-When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
-Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.
-Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison?
-If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called LABOR!
-Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells
live forever.
-Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed in a federal building?
-Bumper sticker of the year "If you can read this, thank a teacher.... and
since it's in English, thank a soldier."
Woman finds bullet in her hot dog.....
http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/news/050504_nw_hotDog_bullet.html
Working with the public, I have seen and heard of some last names that would leave me begging for a name change; and here they are....
Burpo
Crapo
Dick
Head
Hard
Butts
Wilfahrt
Cox
Hiscock
Cockburn
Fagot (ok- it looks like the other word)
Lipschitz
Dido (looks like a bad word)
Manspecker
and the worst one of all- I knew a kid with this name in Jr. High-
His name was.......
Dillard Rape
*BARRFFFF*
One of my assistant managers pulled a real boner today....
He went into the bathroom, and somebody was taking a loud and smelly dump in there. Thinking it was me he yells "Damn would you be courteous and flush the toilet while you do that ?"
He comes out of the bathroom and notices me still working :))
It wasn't me after all :))